Intimations

I've yet to have a very profound intimate relationship with anyone. Sure I've had certain females in mind for such a role but none of them really panned out. Actually, none of them harbored any feelings towards me. It was as if they viewed me as some mystery that is better left a mystery.

They were probably right. I mean how could I even hope to provide anyone with even a shred of stability? Try as I may... it is not one of the traits I carry.

The first girl to ask me out was Jacqueline. Most people called her Jackie. It was during seventh grade math class. I was thrown off by it. I had just begun to cultivate my own identity that year when she first took notice of me. Our teacher was pretty adamant about carrying the decimal over to its proper place. I had just figured out what she meant by "proper place" and felt a tap on my right shoulder.

"Hi, Ryan. Will you go out with me?" Jackie practically whispered to me while hiding behind her geometry textbook. I stared at her face for a few seconds before answering. I wanted to say yes but it came out as, "No." I then got up from my desk, grabbed the hall pass and walked smoothly towards the boys' restroom.

I looked into the mirror and asked myself, "Why the hell did you say no? Are you insane?" I half expected to have an answer to my own question. The only thing I could come up with was that I thought Jackie was just joking around or something. It was seventh grade after all. And seventh grade also happened to be one of the years in which I considered everything to be nothing more than a joke.

When I returned to class I immediately noticed the somber look on her face. I felt awful but decided it was best to bury my head in some trapezoids and hexagons. The minutes flew by; I did not look at her again until the bell rang. I watched her get up from her desk, clutching her personalized binder, and slowly walk out of the classroom.

The full force of what had occurred did not hit me until I arrived home later that day. I then began to dissect the entire moment; second by second. "If she was serious about it then the least she could have done was tell me she was serious." I said to myself while pondering long and hard. I allowed it to boggle my mind for a few more hours before finally giving up on the whole prospect of understanding her motives.

I saw her plenty of times after that. We had almost all the same classes. I don't think she even bothered to tell anyone about how I turned her down. I don't blame her. I don't tell people about my rejections either.

The rest of the year went by uneventfully. Well, it was uneventful for me but I witnessed plenty of classmates find love and heartbreak. Jackie was one of them. She had two short flings over the course of two months.